Beverly Cobain Celebrity Guru

In 1994, Kurt Cobain, 27-year-old front man for the band Nirvana, shot himself to death. It was a shot heard around the world and it left an entire generation of young people devastated and trying to make sense out of the tragic loss. In Dying to be Free: A Healing Guide for Families after a Suicide, Beverly Cobain (cousin of Kurt) and co-author Jean Larch address the question of why anyone might intentionally end their life and offer hope for those left behind--the survivors. Cobain is a psychiatric nurse and survivor of three family suicides.

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What is Mourning?

While grief is a normal response to loss, mourning is the work necessary to get through grief. Mourning requires action. It is a willingness to do whatever it takes to surpass the painful feelings of grief, and to keep mov ing forward to a productive, peaceful life. There is no time limit for mourning. It doesn't mean that grief is suddenly over. People in grief may cry as often and for as long as they need to. Crying can be a part of mourning. Some losses are greater than others, and may take longer to mourn. The suicide of a loved one is one of the most difficult losses to mourn. In our book, Dying to Be Free: A Healing Guide for Families After A Suicide, Jean Larch and I have included lots of information about grief, because of it's complexities. It is possible to be stuck in the sadness and
pain of grief to the point of falling into a depression. Getting stuck in
the depression phase of grief may be one of the reasons so many young people suffer from major depression.

Mourning Sound Painful?

There are many ways to mourn in order to bypass depression and reduce grief.
Maybe one of the best ways to begin mourning is to talk, talk, talk...to anyone who will listen. Talking brings thoughts out of mind, wherein lies the pain. People who talk, frequently hear themselves saying inspiring words and ideas. We are really the only ones who have control over our minds, and we can think anything we want to think, even if we don't like what we're thinking. Guess what? If you don't like what you're thinking, change your thoughts. If we say, aloud, some of the thoughts we're thinking, it allows others to offer optional points of view, different ways of thinking, and to respond to our needs. Mourning is not a one-person deal. Mourners need help with perspective. They need compassion, understanding, and even education about dealing with grief. It helps mourners to learn everything they can about mourning a loss, and there are plenty of web sites, books, therapists, clergy, doctors, and other professionals who can help.

Don't Get Stuck in Grief

Even though people move back and forth between all the emotions involved in grief, they are usually m oving a bit forward. The important thing is not to withdraw from friends and family. Not to delay the mourning process by using alcohol, drugs, overwork, etc. Denying grief or delaying the mourning process will only make things more difficult later. The grief will not go anywhere if it is not mourned. It will sit inside and grow until it gets the attention it needs.

I experienced severe grief over a loss in my younger years. I didn't want to talk about it and tried to ignore it. I began having terrible anxiety, and nightmares. Just when I thought I couldn't bear the pain any longer, I happened to meet a stranger at a meeting. He notice me fighting back tears, and after the meeting he asked if he could help. Since he was a stranger, and because I believed he really cared, I sobbed out my story to him. This is what he told me:

"Everyone has, inside of him, a good dog and a bad dog. If you do negative things like drinking or using drugs, denying pain, thinking nega tive thoughts about yourself or others, you are feeding the bad dog, and he will grow bigger, more powerful, and overtake the good dog. But if you think positive thoughts, eat nourishing food, exercise, treat people well and get the help you need, you are feeding the good dog, and the good dog will grow to be loving and kind, while the bad dog will weaken and lose it's power over you."

I have never forgotten that man, though I have never seen him again. His story made sense to me, and I realized he was right. It changed my perspective about the loss, and I sought the help I needed through his suggestions. It has had a huge impact on who I am today.

Could You Be Depressed?

Depression strikes millions of people in the U.S., but few get appropriate, if any, treatment for it. The sooner treatment is administered, the sooner depressed people feel and perform better. With early treatment, further episodes of depression are less likely and less severe.

How is Depression Treated?

It depends on the type and severity of the depression. The simplest form of depression is called dysthymia. It is a low-grade depression, with the individual always feeling tired, and often verbalizing that he/she is "bored". It can affect eating and sleeping and energy levels. If not taken seriously, it may lead to major depression. An evaluation by a mental health professional will help to determine whether a medication is required, but talk-therapy can be quite useful in this type.

What About Major Depression?

Major (clinical) depression is sort of the "common cold" of depressions.

It has many of the same symptoms as grief: Guilt, anger, sadness, loss of energy, loneliness, sleep problems, eating problems, withdrawal and isolation. Some people feel misunderstood and that no one cares about them.

This is why a good evaluation by a mental health professional is necessary. Grief is not necessarily treated with medication, but depression is best helped with temporary medication and talk-therapy. There can be an element of grief in major depression, and an element of depression in grief. They both require professional help, since major depression is a factor of brain chemistry needing healing, and grief needs help with the mourning process.

What is the Most Severe Type of Depression?

Bipolar illness (manic depression) is the most severe type of depression and is often misdiagnose in youth as ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder) or ADHD (Attention Disorder, Hyperactive Disorder). Bipolar disorder is treated differently than ADD or ADHD, and must be diagnosed by an experienced mental health professional, hopefully a child psychiatrist. Bipolar disorder has two sets of moods. Depression is one part of it, and the other set of moods consists of high energy, no sleep, extreme euphoria, risky behavior, and sometimes anger outbursts. This is a type of depression that can be difficult to manage, and should be monitor ed by a mental health professional for a lifetime.

Staying Well After Treatment

There are many things one can do to stay well during and after treatment for any type of depression.
Daily exercise will keep the brain's endorphin (feel-good chemicals) levels up. Meditation will help keep one centered and calm. Eating nourishing food instead of snacking on "junk food" helps the body stay healthy. A multivitamin each day will make sure one gets all the important minerals and vitamins the body needs to stay well, but vitamins only help when the body has proper nourishment. Journaling feelings is a good way to vent feelings.
Talking about feelings to a good listener is necessary to keep a good perspective on life, and to help set priorities. Having fun with friends and family will keep negative thoughts at bay. Plenty of rest and relaxation is a must.

Learn More About Depression

Read, read, read. Books and information about depression abound. The more one knows about depression, the better one can manage it in any form.
Talking to depressed friends is not always the best way to learn the facts.
Asking question of a mental health professional, going to the library and the internet are ways to keep up on the latest facts and treatment. Most of your questions may be answered by reading WHEN NOTHING MATTERS ANYMORE: A Survival Guide for Depressed Teens, but don't stop there. The more information one has, the more one can ask the right questions and the better one can take responsibility for feeling well.

Grief or Depression?

Being a teen is a difficult job. At a time when families are frequently fractured by divorce, young people are often thrown into a totally alien situation without the life experience to deal with it. The process of grief encompasses emotions such as shock, denial, anger, guilt, confusion, fear, anxiety, abandonment and overwhelming sadness. Without appropriate attention and care, thinking patter ns can become negative and the view of the youths' environment, and the world, may become dangerously negative.

They often blame themselves for what has happened, which can lead to low self esteem and anger at themselves. Many of these youngsters even take over the role of the missing parent, or try to care for the parent who is in grief. Loss can be a life-changing event even for adults, but for youth, left without appropriate reassurance, compassion and nurturance, grief can look like major depression. Indeed grief can lead to major depression and/or other personality disorders. Parents or caregivers can not afford to lose themselves their own grief and pain to the extent that the children are not getting the help they need.