Deborah Reber Celebrity Guru

Deborah Reber is co-author of Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul: The Real Deal: Challenges: Stories about Disses, Losses, Messes, Stresses & More, which is her third installment in the teen book series. Reber’s an accomplished author for teens and tweens. She is the author and co-author of a number of books, with a special interest in pro-social writing for teens, tweens and preschoolers. Before becoming a writer, she worked in Children’s Television - developing original programming for Cartoon Network, guiding the ancillary business of Blue’s Clues for Nickelodeon, and producing an international campaign championing children’s rights for UNICEF. She has produced several documentaries, including Drawing Insight and Seven Days in Somalia, and currently consults with companies like Nickelodeon, Disney Channel, the Starbright Foundation, Mattel and Offramp Films. Deborah is on the Advisory Board and serves as Director of Publications for WriteGirl, an organization which partners women writers in Los Angeles with teenage girls (ages 14 - 18) for creative writing workshops and one-on-one mentoring. More recently, Deborah has led writing and creative workshops for both adults and teens. She lives in Seattle with her husband and young son. www.deborahreber.com

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Don’t Jump to Conclusions

Just because a friend has been MIA or out of touch for a while, that doesn’t necessarily mean that they’re trying to blow you off or that something is up with your relationship. Consider the fact that maybe your friend has something going on in his or her personal life that may be affecting the way they’re acting at school or the fact that they’re not returning your text messages as quickly as they used to. When you have your sit-down with your friend, check in with them to see if there’s anything going on in their life that you should know about.

Choose Your Words Carefully

The saying may be “sticks and stones can break my bones but words will never hurt me,” but the reality is, words said out of anger or frustration can seriously sting, and they can be hard to take back after the fact. So even if things get hot and heated, do your best to avoid name-calling and shouting. Eventually your emotions will simmer down and you’ll be glad you kept your cool. And instead of using words like “you do this” or “you don’t do that,” try starting your phrases with the two words “I feel...”

Know That Friendships Change

We are all constantly changing…our hair is growing, our skin is regenerating, our likes and dislikes fluxuate. So it’s no wonder that the nature of our friendships change as we grow up, too. If we accept that change is a natural part of life and not something to be upset about, then we can learn to be more accepting of the ebbs and flows in our friendships as well.

Deal With Your Emotions

If you’re feeling hurt and upset because of friendship stresses, try dealing with your emotions in a healthy way rather than keeping everything bottled up inside, or worse yet, acting out in a negative way. Write in your journal about how you’re feeling, what you’d like to see happen, and why you might be going through this experience. Putting pen to paper not only helps us vent our emotions…it also can shed some light on what is really going on.

Find Ways to Reconnect

If you and your friend have gone through a rocky patch or simply just drifted apart for a while, finding ways to reconnect can get the two of you back on track in no time. Make an effort to do things that the two of you have enjoyed doing in the past, whether it’s going to see the latest and greatest romantic comedy, hanging out at the mall or volunteering together. Once you get back in an environment where you and your friend have shared happy memories, chances are you’ll both start to feel more comfortable.

Listen To Your Gut

While it’s true that all friendships have their ups and downs, sometimes these fluxuations are natural and fine and other times they are something to seriously consider. If your relationship with a friend makes you feel bad more than it makes you feel good, if you find yourself not acting like your true self when you’re with your friend, or if you’re being pressured into doing things you don’t want to do by a friend, then it’s time to consider whether or not this is a friendship worth keeping. When it comes to friendship challenges, your real best friend is your gut. Listen to what it has to say!

Don’t Drag Other People Into It

Life as a teen would be a lot more manageable if there were no such thing as the “group fight.” When other people get involved in a stressful situation between two friends, things definitely get blown out of proportion, and the end result is sometimes a friendship that is beyond repair. If you and a friend are going through a difficult time, don’t try to get other friends to be on your “side.” The conflict is between you and your friend, so keep it that way.

Be The Kind of Friend You Want

The golden rule tells us to treat people the way we want to be treated, and friendships are no different. If you want friends who are honest, loyal and value you for who you are, then be that kind of friend to those around you – in return, you’ll attract the kinds of friends that you’re looking for. This doesn’t mean that you’ll never have conflicts or stressful friendship hang-ups, but if your friendship is based on honesty and respect, your odds of getting through the conflict in style are excellent.

Make a Date to Talk With Your Friend

Set aside time where you won’t be distracted by other friends or things going on, and then let your friend know that you want to talk with them about your friendship. It’s always a good idea to give your friend a heads up that your heart-to-heart is coming so they don’t feel like they’re being ambushed when they least expect it. Making a date to talk with your friend also sends the message that their friendship is important to you.

Don’t Be Judgmental

Whether you and your friend have drifted apart or your friend is hanging out with a seriously wrong crowd, make sure that you aren’t judgmental in the way that you talk with him or her. If your friend feels like he or she is being judged, you might just be tuned out before you get to the really helpful stuff. Your best bet is to let your friend know that you’re concerned about their behavior or the state of your relationship.