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Dawn Anderson-Meier

Expert Guru
Dawn is a writer, national speaker and organizational consultant. Her passion is empowering people to follow their hearts in order to live their dreams. Her philosophy: We are the authors our own lives.

Dawn believes there are times we construct our stories in a manner that leads us closer to happiness and our individual goals. However, her experience has shown this is often not the case. All too often she has witnessed herself and others construct lives with little attention to the direction being chosen. Dawn’s focus is on providing information that will assist people connect with their true identities in order to support the unfolding of a life filled with joy, success and fulfilling relationships.

Dawn earned a bachelor’s degree in psychology and a master’s degree in clinical social work, both from the University of Michigan. She has twelve years of experience through the following positions: Psychotherapist, Owner of Interventions Counseling, Consultant, Adjunct Professor, Program Director, Clinical Supervisor.

Her recent book, 101 Tips on Relationships, is available through Amazon.com, BarnesandNoble.com and select bookstores.




10 Tips from Dawn Anderson-Meier

Take a Leap of Faith

Most people do not intentionally harm those they love. The majority of things that trigger feelings of hurt, in close relationships, are never meant to have that outcome. No matter how upset you are, make a leap of faith that the other person loves you and wants you happy. When you attribute the problem to miscommunication vs. he/she doesn’t care, it diffuses some of the emotional charge. This offers more clarity to your perspective.

"Win" With Compassion

When someone does something we do not like, we tend to focus on what they did wrong. We judge. We criticize. We point out what we deem to be their faults. The person in turn feels hurt or angry. Conflict or distance occur. This is not helpful to anyone. There is no need to assign blame or prove who did what. Disengage from this lose – lose pattern! Instead, focus on the other person’s experience, empathize, look for how to help. Someone can not remain angry, hurt, or keep arguing when your response is one of compassion.

Reacting Is Bad. Responding Is Good.

Emotions are just emotions. They are not right or wrong, good or bad. However, when you operate from a place where you allow your emotions to propel reactions, problems result. Allow yourself to have whatever emotions you have. Acknowledge them as how you feel. Then, decide how you want to respond. Reactions are derived from emotions alone; responses have the advantage of consulting with your brain before taking action.

Resolve Those Conflicts

Interpersonal conflict, whether family conflict or conflict in the workplace, is often dealt with in nonproductive ways. Two traditional approaches are avoiding conflict and managing conflict. A third option is conflict resolution.
As you can imagine, avoiding conflict is problematic. There is no opportunity for resolution and a back log of negative experiences starts to accumulate. These unidentified or unresolved conflicts simmer under the surface causing a general feeling of irritability between the involved parties. Perceptions, feelings and interactions between the parties become colored. Eruptions over minor matters, at seemingly random times, may also occur.
Managing conflict can have a better outcome than avoidance. However, to minimize harm, it must be done in a purposeful way. This is an ongoing process in which goals are set, frequent and honest communication occurs and differences are discussed openly. When actual resolution of the conflict is unlikely, it is best to establish such a plan.
Conflict resolution works to resolve problems in a mutually favorable manner. This approach goes beyond acknowledging and coping with conflict. At its best, it embraces conflict as an invaluable means for achieving ongoing learning and growth.

What's Your Goal?

When someone does something we do not like, we tend to focus on what they did wrong. We judge. We criticize. We point out what we deem to be their faults. The person, in turn, feels hurt or angry. The conflict escalates and distance occurs. If conflict resolution is your goal, this is not the way to go about it.

Conflict in relationships does not have to follow the above scenario. A common mistake is made by thinking blame needs to be assigned to someone. You do not have to prove who did what wrong. This is a lose – lose way to approach interpersonal conflict.

Instead, the way to deal with conflict in relationships is to express your reaction without blaming it on the other person. Focus on what you thought, how you felt, what happened from your perspective. You are not to make assumptions about why the person did what they did. You are not to hand over responsibility for your emotions, reactions, fears, behaviors, etc. Simply provide an explanation of your experience.

The other person then has the opportunity to respond to your concerns - instead of having to defend him/herself from your accusations.

Resolution Instead of Blame

People have varying degrees of comfort with conflict. Some prefer avoiding it at all costs. Unfortunately, those costs tend to increase the longer issues are left unaddressed. Therefore, learning how to manage and resolve conflict is to your benefit. When dealing with conflict:
• Treat it as normal and expected. Conflict need not be catastrophic or personal. Conflict is simply part of being human.
• Deal with issues as they arise. Avoiding conflict makes situations worse. Time does not resolve matters. Instead, it decreases the chances of a positive outcome.
• Attempt to understand the other person’s point of view. Dismissing the other’s views, assigning blame, and exclusive focus on your own perspective are all counterproductive.
• Don’t judge emotions. No one’s feelings are more or less “right” than the other’s. Emotions reflect a valid perspective of an individual. Even if you don’t understand it, acknowledge the other person’s reaction as important.
• Focus on the behavior, situation or problem area without attacking the person involved.
• Do not assume your values or beliefs are “right.” They reflect a view of the world from your unique perspective. Respecting another’s viewpoint as equally valuable opens an opportunity for learning and growth.

Ending Relationships

We all agree it is compassionate to avoid hurting people’s feelings whenever possible. The “whenever possible” clause creates some confusion when ending a relationship, however. This is an inherently painful time for one or both parties. Many tactics have been used, when breaking up with someone, to attempt sidestepping this inevitable truth. They all fail. Worse yet, avoidance of the plain, honest truth causes more misery then necessary in these situations.Therefore, avoid being evasive or vague. Be direct while taking responsibility for what you want.

Abusive Relationships

Abusive relationships are progressive. They do not begin with physical or sexual violence. Instead, tactics are used to gain control over the victim before an incident of hitting, kicking, biting, pushing or unwanted sexual activity is introduced. If you recognize these signs, please seek help.
 Emotional Abuse (name calling, criticizing, “joking” in a demeaning or embarrassing way)
 Intimidation (using threats, looks or gestures to scare partner; breaking objects)
 Isolation (uses jealousy to control what partner does, who he/she sees, where he/she goes)
 Denies Responsibility (minimizes, denies or blames partner for emotions and behavior)
 Uses Children (threatens to harm the children or take them away from the partner)
 Financial Control (keeps partner from working or takes paychecks; demands account of all spending)

Relationships Are Our Teachers

Relationships with others tend to mirror our own internal relationships with ourselves. If we choose, this can be a gift used to assist our learning and development.

When you react strongly to someone, whether positive or negative, it serves to draw your attention. Your reaction may or may not be propelled by judgment about whatever attribute has prompted your response. If judgment is involved, it can be useful to view your reaction as an indicator about whether you do or do not accept this part of yourself.



Connecting With Others

As people we crave connection with others. Relationships exist, in a variety of capacities and intensity levels, to answer this need. However, developing and maintaining healthy interactions does not come naturally to many of us.

Dealings with acquaintances, work colleagues, friends, family, and intimate partners serve a variety of purposes. How you handle these exchanges will determine how well your needs are met. Therefore, the quality of your relationships is important to your overall health and happiness.

Learning how to nurture good relationships, communicate appropriately and manage conflict are examples of what will develop the connections you desire.



Feedback for Dawn Anderson-Meier

steelhead247 said: (3/26/2007 5:22:25 PM)

I have not found the advice I am looking for. How do I get advice for the topic I am looking for?

steelhead247 said: (3/26/2007 5:30:15 PM)

How do I get advice on a question I have?

Dawn said: (3/28/2007 8:47:31 PM)

You can post your question on the LifeTips site or you can look under the tips section to see if the information you seek is already there.